I kind of fell off the blogging world since Preslee was born and I want to share why...
For 2 years, all I thought about daily was getting pregnant. I wanted it so badly and shed a lot of tears each month when the test came back negative. We had some pretty rough times throughout our journey, so when I became pregnant, I just assumed all of that was over and imagined the happy times we were about to have with our miracle baby!
The first days in the hospital were so special. Besides the fatigue, I was just in love with our baby girl! But when we got home, my extreme fatigue really set-in...especially after the first night of Preslee nursing and crying. The first morning home, I called my mom to come downstairs because I was bawling. It was uncontrolable crying and I didn't know what was wrong!
Everyone had told me about "the baby blues" but I guess I never thought it would happen to me. It's hard to imagine that you can go from crying about infertility for months or years and then have a baby -- only to start crying again. This baby is what I had been dreaming of for such a long time and I couldn't understand why I was so sad.
The first weeks are an absolute blur! Matt went back to work at the TV station after the first week and my Mom stayed with me for two weeks. But when she got ready to leave, I just cried and cried.
I didn't feel like I could take care of Preslee by myself. It was the weirdest feeling but I still thought it was the fatigue that was getting to me! I was getting through the day but I had never felt so much anxiety. I was sick from it. I couldn't eat and I was losing a lot of weight. I was cold all day and cried non stop!
After getting over jaundice, I took Preslee to her 2 week weight check. I had been nursing every 3 hours daily and waking her up in the night to make sure she was eating enough and gaining weight! Well... at the weight check, she hadn't gained any thing for a week! I had a complete meltdown at the clinic! So my mom came back after only being gone 4 days. I started pumping after each feeding and we were supplementing with breast milk or formula after each feeding until we could get her weight up. I met with a lactation consultant and I started using a nipple shield. After a few more weight check appointments, we finally got her gaining and I went back to just nursing. Preslee isn't a good nurser. She struggles with latching and still does, but we are sticking it out and every day we work through it because I am determined to give her my milk for as long as I can!
Then we headed home for Christmas when Preslee was 3.5 weeks old. I was very overwhelmed with packing and traveling with my newborn. When we got home, I had our moms help but all I wanted to do was sleep. Every night around dinner, I started feeling terrible. I had flu-like symptoms and just wanted to get in bed and not get up! I stayed at my moms a few days after Christmas and after a complete anxiety attack one night, I told my mom that I just didn't feel right. This was not normal. It had been 4 weeks and I just wasn't happy!
I was very scared that I was never going to feel better or stop the daily crying. All I wanted was to feel normal and to enjoy my baby girl. I also felt SO much guilt. Guilt that I wasn't enjoying nursing, that I wasn't being a good wife or mom, and that I was missing out on the first precious weeks with my newborn.
Finally after encouragement from friends and family, I made an appt with my OB. I told her everything I had been feeling and she thought it was time for me to take some medication. So on the day that Preslee turned 5 weeks old, I started Lexapro. It took a lot for me give it a try but I knew if I was going to be a good mom to my baby, that I had no other choice! (Now I wish I had started it a lot sooner!)
On the same day that I started meds, Preslee also started prevacid for reflux. She has been a very fussy baby and now we know why. I am hoping she grows out of it quickly. But thankfully, my medicine started working and I finally feel like I can handle daily life with a newborn!
So all that said... this is the reason for my blog absence! But I am feeling SO much better so I wanted to be open with my new mom struggles. I have always shared all details during our infertility journey and I just wanted to share this with any others that may suffer from postpartum depression. It's a very lonely & scary feeling but with lots of family support & medication, I have gotten through it and hope to be able to support any one else that faces this unexepected struggle!