1.20.2012

New mom struggles

I kind of fell off the blogging world since Preslee was born and I want to share why...

For 2 years, all I thought about daily was getting pregnant. I wanted it so badly and shed a lot of tears each month when the test came back negative. We had some pretty rough times throughout our journey, so when I became pregnant, I just assumed all of that was over and imagined the happy times we were about to have with our miracle baby!

The first days in the hospital were so special. Besides the fatigue, I was just in love with our baby girl! But when we got home, my extreme fatigue really set-in...especially after the first night of Preslee nursing and crying. The first morning home, I called my mom to come downstairs because I was bawling. It was uncontrolable crying and I didn't know what was wrong!
Everyone had told me about "the baby blues" but I guess I never thought it would happen to me. It's hard to imagine that you can go from crying about infertility for months or years and then have a baby -- only to start crying again. This baby is what I had been dreaming of for such a long time and I couldn't understand why I was so sad.

The first weeks are an absolute blur! Matt went back to work at the TV station after the first week and my Mom stayed with me for two weeks. But when she got ready to leave, I just cried and cried.

I didn't feel like I could take care of Preslee by myself. It was the weirdest feeling but I still thought it was the fatigue that was getting to me! I was getting through the day but I had never felt so much anxiety. I was sick from it. I couldn't eat and I was losing a lot of weight. I was cold all day and cried non stop!

After getting over jaundice, I took Preslee to her 2 week weight check. I had been nursing every 3 hours daily and waking her up in the night to make sure she was eating enough and gaining weight! Well... at the weight check, she hadn't gained any thing for a week! I had a complete meltdown at the clinic! So my mom came back after only being gone 4 days. I started pumping after each feeding and we were supplementing with breast milk or formula after each feeding until we could get her weight up. I met with a lactation consultant and I started using a nipple shield. After a few more weight check appointments, we finally got her gaining and I went back to just nursing. Preslee isn't a good nurser. She struggles with latching and still does, but we are sticking it out and every day we work through it because I am determined to give her my milk for as long as I can!

Then we headed home for Christmas when Preslee was 3.5 weeks old. I was very overwhelmed with packing and traveling with my newborn. When we got home, I had our moms help but all I wanted to do was sleep. Every night around dinner, I started feeling terrible. I had flu-like symptoms and just wanted to get in bed and not get up! I stayed at my moms a few days after Christmas and after a complete anxiety attack one night, I told my mom that I just didn't feel right. This was not normal. It had been 4 weeks and I just wasn't happy!

I was very scared that I was never going to feel better or stop the daily crying. All I wanted was to feel normal and to enjoy my baby girl. I also felt SO much guilt. Guilt that I wasn't enjoying nursing, that I wasn't being a good wife or mom, and that I was missing out on the first precious weeks with my newborn.

Finally after encouragement from friends and family, I made an appt with my OB. I told her everything I had been feeling and she thought it was time for me to take some medication. So on the day that Preslee turned 5 weeks old, I started Lexapro. It took a lot for me give it a try but I knew if I was going to be a good mom to my baby, that I had no other choice! (Now I wish I had started it a lot sooner!)

On the same day that I started meds, Preslee also started prevacid for reflux. She has been a very fussy baby and now we know why. I am hoping she grows out of it quickly. But thankfully, my medicine started working and I finally feel like I can handle daily life with a newborn!

So all that said... this is the reason for my blog absence! But I am feeling SO much better so I wanted to be open with my new mom struggles. I have always shared all details during our infertility journey and I just wanted to share this with any others that may suffer from postpartum depression. It's a very lonely & scary feeling but with lots of family support & medication, I have gotten through it and hope to be able to support any one else that faces this unexepected struggle!

78 comments:

T Sharee said...

Julee!!!!!!!!!! Little Miss is just too cute! I wanted to tell you that I have a friend who just had her third baby and she is also on Lexapro. She is also a Pharmacist. Knowing all that she does it still took her some time to admit that she needed it. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone! Have an amazing day!!!

Traci said...

Lexapro was a God send for me. I too struggled with infertility. One day I broke down to my Dr & told her that I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing constantly & she explained that I was having anxiety attacks. Immediately, she put me on Lexapro & it waws so amazing the difference. She told me that it wouldn't make my problems go away but it would help me to be able to deal with them. Sadly, after going through lots of treatments & a lot of praying & tough decisions, we know that being parents just wasn't God's plan. Congratulations on that beautiful little girl!!

Meggie said...

Julee - thanks so much for sharing! Being a new mom is SUCH a big change, and I think we all need to be honest about it in order to help each other through it. Thanks for being honest about your struggle, I really think it will help lots of moms. I hope both new medications work for you girls, and am happy you're feeling much better!

Angela Cliff and Sam said...

I am so glad that you decided to share your struggles. You are a great mom and will be an even better one now that you are taking care of yourself, too! Preslee is a doll and I can't wait to meet her! Miss you, friend!!

flowerlover said...

Hi Julee,

You don't know me....I found your blog through Kelly's Korner. I have read off and on and am just so excited for you to be a momma now. I do want to say that you are brave for sharing your struggles because I know they will help many other moms. I too struggled with what you are going through when my daughter was born 13 years ago. I never spoke up and suffered in silence. I still struggle with feeling guilty that I wasn't feeling or acting like I thought I was "supposed" to. If I had it to do over again I would definitely ask for help. You are beginning a wonderful journey and God will continue to bless your days as you seek to be the mom He created you to be. Congratulations and God bless for your sweet heart to share.

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing, I think that the subject is still very taboo. I had a really hard time after the birth of my first child and was on that slippery slope for weeks. When I got pregnant again, everyone watched me a little closer than I would have liked but I did appreciate the concern and happily I handled the change better the 2nd time around.

brie. said...

I just wanted to commend your bravery - it's not easy being transparent about the things we've struggled with/gone through, but you are such an encouragement. I don't have children yet, but I hope I have your sense when I do! Blessings to you and your family - and the beautiful little girl you have!

Alyssa said...

HUGS!!!!!!!! I'm sorry you're going through this, but am glad to hear that the meds are working and you're feeling better! You're doing such a great job with Preslee! My son also had reflux (his was severe) and I know how taxing that can be on any mom. Hopefully hers doesn't last long. I'll be praying for both of you!

Megan said...

My heart so goes out to you! I have gone through almost the exact same thing only a couple of months ahead of you. We had the same issues with breast feeding and unfortunately I had to go exclusively to formula. I was so heartbroken. My little guy also has reflux, but the medicine helps so much! It gets better and better every day! And I'm so glad you shared this! You and your precious girl are not alone. I'm glad we can use blogging as an outlet to reach out to other moms for encouragement and advice. Keep up the good work!!

Rory said...

I started Lexapro with my first baby and it was such a good thing. Also, starting back on birth control made things worse. So glad you got back on track.

PS That panic attack about your mom leaving and husband being at work, that happens with every kid. It is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me. But we are moms and we just power through. Just remember you are surrounded by other moms who will listen and offer advice and can tell you we've been through it and you will make it through too!

Amy said...

Julee: I have read your blog for months but this is my first comment. You are not alone in those feelings. I too felt overwhelmed and weepy after the birth of my second son. I couldn't understand why I cried constantly. Tears were ready to flow at any minute for any reason. My doctor gave me Lexapro and it made a tremendous difference. Best wishes. AMY

Mallory said...

Bless your heart! Thanks for sharing and I know this post will help others!

Kristen said...

You are SO not alone with this! I had the baby blues with my first son and it was so hard to understand that while I had prayed and waited for him, I could barely enjoy him I was so overtaken by hormones and emotions. Combined with lack of sleep, moving to a new town a month before he was born...it was just too much! I went through the exact same thing with breastfeeding as you are too - I ended up pumping for 2 months and then decided to switch. I got a lot of grief for that from family but you make the decisions you need to as the mom. It gets better - it's just a hard time of lots of adjustments! You are doing great, be patient and everything works itself out! Your little Preslee is just a doll baby, SO beautiful!

Leslie said...

Thank you for sharing! You are not alone in the big world of the "unknowns" when becoming a new Mommy! I just experienced the same things/feelings in September when my little boy was born. We, too, struggled with infertility and I remember thinking how on earth I could feel that way after I had DREAMED of that day FOREVER! He is 4 months old this week and I promise it gets better :)) So glad you shared. When I was reading it, I felt like I was reading my post! LOL!! PS-Preslee is precious :))

Have a good weekend!

Alecia said...

I don't have children yet, but I have struggled with depression in the past, so I know what a scary feeling it it. I can't imagine having it on top of having a newborn to care for! I will say that my cousin, who is a maternity ward nurse who handles newborns every day, completely freaked out when it was time for her mother to go home after staying with her for a week after her baby was born. She was terrified to do it alone. So, it happens to most moms, even ones who don't have postpartum. You are not alone!!

Dawnuella said...

Hi Julie,

You don't know me, but I really enjoy reading your blog. I can relate to infertility.

We adopted a beautiful baby girl nearly 2 years ago. As soon as we brought her home from the hospitial, I too started w/the baby blues. I thought this was crazy...we adopted! It turns out 60% of adoptive moms go through post pardum too. I also cried & cried at the thought of my Mom leaving. Because of my strong reaction to this, I KNEW I had to go to the Dr. They started me on Lexapro too. Wow...what a wonderful wonderful drug. I still take it to this day. I don't want to get off it. It just takes the edge off.

So..please know this is totally normal! We hope to adopt again someday & I wonder if I will go through it again. We shall see.

Thanks for sharing.

Dawn

Becca said...

Thank you so much for sharing your struggles Julee! It is such a blessing to know that other women struggle as I do.

I am not a mom yet, but we've been talking about it. One thing that scares me so is the baby blues. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I can remember. I've been on and off medication, visited counselors, and was diagnosed with PMDD two years ago. All of those put me at 'higher risk.' My family and OB knows that I'm scared and have done a lot to calm me down. When the time comes, I pray that I can be brave like you to share how I'm feeling. You are a blessing to so many. Thank you for sharing!

Linds said...

I felt the SAME way after both of my boys to some degree. I was never diagnosed, but think I almost surely had PPD with my 2nd. I too had the guilt after we had our first with the emotions... so much guilt after praying for so long for a baby and then now there were times that I just wanted my old life back. I guess i say all that to say that it's SO normal... probably more normal than we think because there are so many women who won't speak up. Good for you for getting help-- I hope that it works well for you!

(PS-- My 2nd had horrible reflux and we were on Zantac. It was a LIFE SAVER for us. Thank goodness for medicine!!!)

HickChickBritt said...

Thank you for sharing. I had the baby blues for about 2 weeks. I seriously wanted to give my son back. He was such a happy newborn but I constantly had anxiety that he was going to start crying at night and I wouldn't get any sleep. I stayed with my mom and I was afraid Hayes was going to keep everyone up all night long, but he never did. I felt silly for being so upset but thank goodness it got better. I just kept telling myself it will get better. I do still find myself wish away the baby stage, and I feel guilty for that. It is so nice to know that other women feel the same way, but it is so hard to understand how it can happen when we have hoped and preyed for our little one for so long. Stay strong, we can do this.

Alex and Jill said...

I am so proud of you for sharing this. I didn't have PPD with Amelia but I know that it can happen with any pregnancy and is very common. Reading this makes me realize I need to stay aware of how I'm feeling after baby #2 arrives.

Thank you for sharing!

Preslee is just a beauty. :)

Christi said...

Julee
Thank you for sharing. I have read that with infertility that postpardum depression is even more likely. I forget why so...but it was a good article I read years ago. Hugs to you.

I didn't have infertility with my first but a very overwhelming pregnancy and the in utero loss of one of the babies, so after my son I was born I struggled with attaching to him. I struggled with nursing and in 2000 the LCs were not that great and I didn't have nursing friends. Oh a nursing support system is so vital and I'd be happy to give you my number if you ever need some support.
I'm thankful that things are looking up for you. You have a precious little girl and you know it...but as my dr told me sometimes it's hard for the chemical composition in your body (post baby) to allow you to feel that joy and gratefulness.

Hugs to you.
Christi

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing. I too suffered from depression after the birth of my 2nd son. However, it took me months to finally go get help. There is such a sigma about taking meds but if women like you talk about it maybe we can make it ok for women to seek help without feeling so bad.

Jenn said...

Thank you for sharing. It's something that many aren't prepared for as a new mom because we don't share enough about those early struggles. Your honesty on the situation was great to read and very appreciated.

Amy said...

Julee!! You're not the only going threw it I am going threw the same stuff you are! I never thought I would get the baby blues either and I got them and haven't been myself since she was born just crying for no reason! I am thinking about I need to go in and talk to my doctor. I had the same problem with my daughter with breastfeeding but I had to stop and give her formula! She wasn't sucking and getting enough! I give you all the credit for sticking to it!!! You are a wonderful mother to your daughter! :-)

Carrie said...

I had a horrible feeling when you left your blog for a while that you might have been battling something postpartum. I had my first bout with anxiety after the birth of my first child, and I've dealt with it ever since. It was so overwhelming, so scary, so UNLIKE ME, that I didn't know what to do. Anxiety does run in my family, and thank God I live in the generation that I do so that I could easily get help. I was a zombie walking into an LC's office. I think they were more worried about me than the baby who had lost a little weight - I'm pretty sure I looked like death warmed over. I don't even remember the early weeks of his life. I wouldn't eat. I dropped a lot of weight. My son was tongue tied and nursing was difficult and I vowed to quit every day, but somehow hung on to see another day of nursing. But, when I finally agreed to talk to the OB, and I finally agreed to take something (Lexapro as well), my life gained its color back. I have had to continue taking a very low dose ever since (10 yrs) but to be able to function the way I want to as a mom, it's absolutely necessary. My faith in God was tested, and triumphed over my doubts that I would never feel normal again. With the subsequent births of my other two children, I did have postpartum periods where we ramped up the dosage for a few weeks until the hormone surges had subsided, but nothing was as scary or traumatic for the family as the first 4-6 weeks of the first baby. And if you ever have to deal with it again, you'll have the experience of having conquered it once before underneath you, and it will seem conquerable. Thanks for sharing! -Carrie

Jessica said...

Hi, Julee. You don't know me, but I wanted to thank you for sharing this. I also had severe anxiety after my first baby was born, but did not realize it was PPD until I mentioned it to my doctor at my 6wk followup appointment. I really appreciate your honesty and I know you will be a fantastic momma to your sweet girl! :-)

The Frosts said...

Wow, Julie...it means so much to hear your story, and it felt like I was looking in a mirror at myself. When my daughter was born, my parents were actually on a misson trip in Africa, and my hubby went back to work in less than a week. Breastfeeding failed after weeks of poor weight gain, and I was exhausted. I had an anxiety attack, and cried every single day. I hated motherhood, and I did not love my little girl. Like seriously, didn't feel an ounce of love. It was just too much; I was too tired, too sad, and it was a vicious circle because I would get so overwhelmed and mad at myself for feeling that way.
Thankfully, I am now head-over-heels in love with my 10 mo. old gorgeous daughter. But, I really wish I had heard more stories like yours. In the blog world things always seem so perfect...when in reality everyone is just "a Mom" with the regular struggles. I felt alone, and embarrased. Now, I am quick to share my story with everyone AND I tell my husband repeatedly that I will be SO careful to make sure my daughter knows it's okay to struggle when she has her own kids!

Laura said...

Hi Julee!! I've been reading your blog for awhile now but never commented. I went to Baylor with Jessica Rowe which is how I found your blog :-) First of all, congrats on your sweet baby girl. She is beautiful!!! Second of all, thank you for sharing your struggle in this post. I just wanted you to know...you are not alone (which I'm sure you now know based on all of these sweet comments :-) I experienced horrible postpartum anxiety after the birth of my daughter and experienced ALL of the same exact symptoms. Felt like I had the flu by dinner-time, couldn't eat, extremely nervous all the time, lost a lot of weight, many panic attacks, etc...etc... My OB also put me on Lexapro and it was amazing and helped me so much. My OB also told me my symptoms were being caused by a chemical change going on in the brain (which is proven by the effectiveness of the medicine!) This helped so much with the guilt I felt. So thanks again for sharing. What you've been going through is so so common and I'm so thankful the Lord uses medicine to help us mommies dealing with postpartum struggles!!!

Diane said...

Julee,

You are describing similar symptoms that I went through after my 2nd was born. I never got on any medicine, but I probably should have asked about some. (My birth control was also the wrong pill for me, and that added A LOT of stress, plus my job was super stressful.) I am proud of you for speaking out. I hope you continue to get better. Take each day one day at a time. You can do this, Mama! :-)

ellie621 said...

i'm on lexapro too! and just had my second baby a few months ago. don't feel alone - and it works :) Prayers that you continue to feel better and better!! glad u have such great friends and family. preslee is a doll!

The McGreeveys said...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for being so honest and transparent. You have no idea whose lives you have just touched with your story. May God bless you and your beautiful family.

The McGreeveys said...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for being so honest and transparent. You have no idea whose lives you have just touched with your story. May God bless you and your beautiful family.

Missy said...

I've never commented before but have been "stalking" for awhile! We too struggled with infertility for 9 years. I couldn't believe how devastating it was to not feel happy after finally getting our miracle babies. Unfortunately I didn't deal with my emotional issues after our baby was born (14 months after our first miracle baby came home) but now, 3 years later I've finally realized that it's ok that I need it. God's using it to bring healing. Thanks for being honest and know that you are in my prayers!

Natasha said...

Julee --

I have been reading your blog for awhile (ever since Kelly announced you were pregnant with Miss Preslee) and I just wanted to say thank-you for being so open about your struggles.

We pray and pray for children and then they come and it's so difficult sometimes. They are so worth every minute but sometimes it's hard to remember that through a sleep-deprived, tough-nursing, baby-crying induced state.

Thank you again for this post.

waiting said...

I am sure that I will get some HATEFUL replies to this because I KNOW BREASTFEEDING IS BEST!!! But with my firstborn I cried EVERY DAY for three weeks. I HATED breastfeeding and he wasn't a good breastfeeder! I tried everything to make it work! On the day that I stopped breastfeeding, I snapped out of my FUNK! I finally felt like myself again and didn't feel confined to the 4 walls of my house! You are doing a great job no matter what! Everyone has to decide what is right for them. Just food for thought! It is admirable that you are sticking it out with breastfeeding! I definitely applaud you for that!!!

The Horn Family said...

I have read your blog for awhile and just want to say that I understand completely how you feel! My first child came 8 weeks early and once we got home after two weeks in the nicu, I wasn't producing enough milk for him, he never slept and when he did sleep I felt like I needed to watch him to make sure he was breathing instead of sleeping too. The first day I was alone with him I cried all day and it just didn't stop. All I wanted to do was be a good mom and I felt like a failure. I got on Lexapro too and it was a lifesaver. I also went back to work (which is often criticized) and that helped me too. Being honest about how you feel makes all the difference!

The Rohman Family said...

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all of this. Prayers for you and your sweet family. I hope things are moving in the right direction from here!

Melissa said...

Julee, Thank you so much for your post. I, too, am a new mommy. My baby girl Hadley was born on 12/19/11 and had a rocky start, with a brief stay in the NICU and then another hospital stay with RSV 2 weeks later. She is now 4.5 weeks old, and I am sometimes having trouble getting through the day with nursing troubles and extreme fatigue. I am in tears reading your post, because it really hit home, I have my post-partum appt next week, and have toyed with talking to my doc about medication, but I am so nervous about how it may affect my ability to breastfeed. You are a wonderful mother and I hope that you start to feel like yourself again, so that you can enjoy your previous Preslee.

Michelle Lanning said...

Sooooo can realate to all you said -- stay strong!!! It will get better!

Gwen Toliver said...

Stick with it, Julee. :) We had Baby #8 just the day before your little girl was born, and I struggled with Baby Blues more after her than I did with any other baby. It's very frustrating, but important to keep in mind that you're not thinking clearly, it will get better and that your judgment isn't objective at the time.

It also helps to keep in mind that God is our Rock - He is our strength even when everything is unpredictable and crazy! (I Sam. 2:2)

I'm so glad you're doing better and that you were honest with your OB/GYN. Children are such a blessing and you'll be amazed how your love for your little girl grows year by year, as well as your confidence as a mom. Hang in there. :)

Gwen
texastolivers (at) gmail (com)
ToliversToTexas.com

The Mommy said...

God bless you for sharing! I suffered from PPD after a traumatic c-section delivery and nearly losing my daughter. Just as you said, I was exhausted, struggling with nursing and felt SO much guilt.
You can help so many people just by sharing your story.

Cory said...

Aww! What you experienced is so common. I experienced anxiety and depression through much of my teens, and early 20's, but knew that "for ME" I didn't want to be on meds when I got PG, so about a year before I got PG I got off of them. But after the birth of my daughter I am pretty sure that I had a post partum pshycosis. I experienced some weird stuff, with major anxiety. But it was still the most happy time of my life that, and I started taking high doses of B-complex and other stuff that I knew would help me naturally, and for me it worked. With my second child I didn't experience it. But I think as new moms no one pulls us aside to say "umm, don't forget that your hormones will be ALL OVER THE PLACE after birth, and even during pregnancy sometimes." I am glad that you are taking care of your self. It doesn't diminish the fact that you are an excellent mama. :)The exhaustion thing is why I cosleep. My kids could nurse when they wanted, and the beauty part... I could lay in bed. ;) Ha! Blessings to you.

Dana said...

Thank you for being so honest & open! I went through all of this with my first, from the infertility to the postpartum depression to Lexapro for me & Prevacid for my bably girl! She also had jaundice & difficulty nursing with slow weight gain. It's so hard & stressful-but time goes on and it does get better. You look great and that baby girl is precious! I know this post will help some new mamas:)

Brad and Jess said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I have a now 4 month old daughter who suffered from colic and reflux. I would sit up at night crying because I felt so helpless. I wasn't enjoying motherhood and wanted so badly to be a great mother to my daughter. I felt guilty too because I felt like all moms needed to love every second of being a new mom and I wasn't at all.
I still question if I should be on an anti-depressant. I love my daughter to death and now that her colic is gone, it has gotten easier. I still find myself overwhelmed and can't wait for the days when my husband is off work to help out.
Thank you for such an honest post and helping me realize that it is okay to get help.

megantree said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling better. Those feelings can make you feel awfully lonely....when in reality so many of us women go through them - and they totally catch us offguard! I couldn't understand why I was crying when I had a brand new perfect baby in my arms! But my mind just wasn't working right! So glad you posted this, I think too many people only want to show the "perfect" side when we know those first few weeks are really hard!:-)

michelle said...

Julee,
You don't know me but I've been reading your blog regularly since you were half way through your pregnancy and it's been fun to see your journey. Thank you so much for your bravery in being transparent about your struggles. Being a new mom is so hard, a part from struggling with post partum depression. I can't say I dealt with it but there were other physical issues (extremely painful breastfeeding, etc.) that plagued me for months after both of my babies were born. I think the mothers who struggle with these things need to know they are not alone - and it doesn't mean we aren't grateful for the privelege of being a mother. God bless you for your honesty and as you enjoy the joys & challenges of motherhood. :) Sincerely, Michelle

Nancy said...

Look at how many people have this in common! What a blessing this post was. So thankful you feel better & your honesty is beautiful! I have several friends who had the same symptoms & needed a little medicine as well & it helped them so much.

Anna & Kirby said...

Thanks for sharing this... I'm pregnant so it's kind of a reality check or "heads up" for myself.

I'm glad you're feeling better though! You have a beautiful little girl!

Jill said...

Look at the comments you are receiving on this post. You have impacted so many people and your post is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Your little one is adorable and I pray for you and your family.

Little Pink Rose said...

You are so brave and I hope you feel nothing but love and support from all those around you! Thank you for being so transparent, vulnerable and honest. You are not alone and hopefully you will encourage other Moms to know they are not alone!

DCWorking said...

Been following for a while now from cold MN.... Im so glad you shared your story! I struggled with the same problems for the first 4 weeks after my son's birth... he was a "gotta have it now" baby when it came to nursing and toke no time to latch. I found it better to pump and bottle feed... which brought on a lot of guilt. Now he is a 1 year old strong little boy after 11 months of pumping! Keep it up... I LOVE your honesty & you are not only helping yourself but others by sharing! Take care hun and it sounds like you have a great support system! From one mom to another YOUR DOING WONDERFUL!:)

oliviasmommy07 said...

Lexapro saved me!! I can completely identify with all that you wrote. I had Olivia on a monday and was home from the hospital that Friday~by that Sunday i was a basket case. My husband left for church and I called my mom bawling! I understand the guilt and frustration along with the exhaustion. You are not alone girl! Hang in there~now that Olivia is 5 I can see it does get easier with time!! Preslee is GORGEOUS!!!

Twinkletoes said...

I am so sorry to hear this - but thank you for sharing. I was honestly worried that something was wrong with Preslee, since you hadn't written.
I experienced much of this with my second, and felt so guilty, because I knew I didn't with my first. EVERYTHING made me cry - and not being a person who cries often - sometimes I found myself crying more because I was crying. I am so glad that you were willing to take a prescription. That is one of the most gentle out there - so I am glad you agreed to take something to help get over the hump.
Much like we can't control our fertility, we also can't control our hormones and how they make us feel.
Thanks for sharing! I look forward to pictures of your baby girl!!!

Sara said...

It is so wonderful that you are sharing this to help others who have or may go through the same thing. I did not have PPD but did have some crying episodes off and on for the first month. Those hormones will get you sometimes. Ha!

Preslee is just perfect and is blessed with the best momma!

Cara Beth said...

You are so strong to share this, Julee. I have struggled with depression since college and have been on an anti depressant for 10 years. Having a baby is a huge fear of mine because I've heard of the baby blues. It's good to hear of other's stories. I know I can do it one day and it will all be worth it. Love you and I'm praying for you during this time!

Amanda Gregory said...

I love, love, love that you shared this with us (your readers). I felt the same way after having my first son and felt helpless. You rock for sharing your true feelings and not just smiling and saying everything's great. Hang in there...it gets easier. I promise. And You are an amazing mom. Matt and Preslee are so blessed to have you.

sfitzg2 said...

Thank you for sharing your story. So glad to hear you are feeling better.

Mary Lytle said...

You are a beautiful, competent, amazing young woman to share your experience so openly and honestly. You have no idea how far-reaching your comforting influence will be! This is definitely the way God works through His people.

Adam and Mandy said...

Just wanted to say that you are NOT alone! My husband and I had our first baby through IVF in August, and after he was born I was a MESS! It was just like you described--I cried and cried for no reason, was terrified of my husband going back to work, did NOT want to be left alone with my son....I couldn't understand what my problem was and I felt horrible and SO guilty for everything. I was terrified.

I just wanted to encourage you that it gets so much better! My little guy is 5 months now (oh, and did I mention he also has reflux and is on medication?) and I can barely even remember those early days. Being a mom is hard work, and that post-baby hormone dump+fatigue+recovery from delivery....well, it's just a lot for anyone to handle :)

Heather said...

So sorry to hear your struggles, but as everyone has said.. It's totally worth it.
As far as the breast feeding goes, it never worked for me or my baby girl. She was preemie and never managed to latch. I started exclusively pumping and half my stress went away. After she turned about 14 weeks, I was able to cut back to only 4 pumps a day and was still able to make 40-50 ounces. Good luck!!

Heather said...

Love your blog! Sorry to hear you're struggling but like everyone says, it gets better!!
Also, and this is totally my opinion, I found that pumping vs actual breast feeding went so much easier for me. My baby was a preemie and never latched. I exclusively pumped and that took away so much stress for me and I was still able to give her solely breast milk. By the time she was 14 weeks I could get away with pumping 4-5 times a day and could manage 40-50 ounces. Good luck!!

PinkCupcake said...

you're a beautiful person, Julee. Both inside and out. thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us. i am glad you were brave enough to seek out the help you needed so that you can now enjoy being a mama to your precious Preslee girl. Remember, just take one day at a time. Breathe. Everything will be okay. Hug that beautiful princess for me and her big brother Romeo, too!

Claire said...

I'm so glad you are feeling better and like you have this. Your girl is a wee gem!

Erin said...

Kudos to you for sharing your struggles and for finding a way to fix them. I also give you a thumbs up for sticking with nursing when it's not going well. I did that too. I will say that I had some of the same feelings you did up until the point that I stopped nursing. I made it work for a while, but it just wasn't even somewhat easy for us. I think every mom has to find the key to what works for them and their babes.

Michelle said...

I don't think I've commented on your blog before (bad lurker!), but wanted to say that I also struggled with postpartum depression with my first child. I didn't eat anything for the entire first week after he was born! And the nights just brought an overwhelming sense of dread. It was so bad, I almost didn't want to have any more children. When I did get pregnant again several years later, I was terrified of going through the same experience, but didn't have any depression at all when she was born, which was a huge relief. I think it's great you shared your story because I think a lot of women are scared to be honest about it. And Preslee is so cute!! Congratulations!

JennHughes said...

Hi Julee, you don't know me but I stumbled across your blog and love to read about what's on your heart. I had my precious baby girl last March and had a similar bout with postpartum depression. I had a really hard pregnancy and horrific delivery and it was really hard for me to cope with all that and take care of a newborn. I couldn't even look at her without wanting to cry. I struggled with the smallest tasks. I lost weight and couldn't sleep. My OB also put me on Lexapro and I took it until my daughter turned 6 months. It saved my life. I weened myself off of it and have been off of it now for 4 months. Sometimes I still get overwhelmed, but I'm able to handle life better. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope things start to feel more "normal" for you soon. I pray that God will continue to give you strength every day.

Sara said...

Oh how I can relate. We had a tragic end to my first pregnancy so when we got pregnant with Payton it was a really special time. I was so blessed!
Then she got here and I just cried. I wasn't enjoying anything about being a mommy.
Those first weeks can really suck. I am so glad you talked to your dr. about it and that now you can enjoy your baby girl!!

emilyb said...

hi julee,
i have never commented before but love checking in on ur cute family. i found your blog through kelly's korner. just wanted to let you know that i started lexapro after my first baby 7 yrs. ago. he was a very fussy baby and i was stressed, tired, barely ate, etc. it was a rough time. my ob put me on lexapro and i've been on it since. that was my first son, preston who is now 7. i have cooper who is 3, and grayson and harrison who are 4 months- all boys if you can believe it!! also, fyi i was on lexapro through all of my subsequent pregnancies and have amazingly healthy boys. just wanted to comment and share my similar story!!
Emily

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I have read your blog through Kelly's and have enjoyed following your family. This was an awesome post....your honesty will help many..

I have a special friend in your area that had a baby last week and they have major problems...I posted about her yesterday....Hope you will stop by.

The Balch Bunch said...

I went through the EXACT same thing 'feeling wise' after having my little girl. I started meds after about 4 weeks and finally started feeling better too... hormones are a crazy thing but I can tell you it gets better... way to go momma!

Taylor said...

Bless your heart, I'm so glad you have such a wonderful support system and that you are feeling better!! I know you've helped so many women just by posting this and I think that's so great!! Preslee is so beautiful and I hope that things continue to go smoothly for y'all!

Tracy said...

Thank you for sharing. It's hard for mamas to admit we don't always have it all together and we can't always do it all, but it can be such a blessing when someone shares what they are going through. Praying for you all!

E said...

Oh sweet Julee! It is so hard to have a baby, and then add hormonal changes in there...it seems so crazy! You are not alone.
My husband went back to work today after being on half days after our second daughter was born. I cried and cried this morning at 5AM when his alarm went off. I just did not know how I was going to manage two kids by myself! Praying for you!

Julie said...

I find when I am nursing that if I eat any lettuce,veggies, Milk or any citrus that my babies fuss the whole time while nursing and after... so maybe watch what you eat because for each baby it is so different! my first baby nursed every hour for the first 5 months...and was pretty fussing... We ended up putting a toddler bed right up next to ours and letting him sleep there so I didnt have to get up everytime he woke up in the night and then I would just nurse him in bed and continue sleeping so that was so helpful for me! Although he is almost eighteen months and still sleeps in the toddler bed in our room. Thankfully my second was alot easier with that except I still have to be careful what I eat when I nurse her! But she only gets up once a night to eat! Hope nursing starts going better for you because it can be so nice when it isnt a fight the entire time!

Laura said...

Hi Julee, I don't know you and started reading your blog through Kelly's Korner. But I wanted to tell you that I was sooo impressed with your honesty and openess in sharing your struggles. My girls are 12 and 16 now and I STILL remember the postpartum I suffered and how much of the first 6 months of each of their lives I missed the joy of because I was "miserable!" I wish I had been given the advice from someone to go and get medication so that I could have enjoyed my babies!!! You should be proud of your choice!!

Confessions of a First Time Homeowner said...

Hi Julee,
Congratulations on your sweet Preslee. I'm due with my first in May, a little boy! I too have PCOS and never thought this day would come. I'm so happy for you.
I just wanted to bring something to your attention. A coworker of mine was warning me about thyroid issues that can happen after giving birth. She said she was cold all the time and sad and her doctor thought she had post partum. She went on antidepressants and she was fine. Years later she found put she had a serious thyroid issue. Just thought I'd pass on this info. I think you're very brave to share your struggle with us all. God bless you and that sweet girl!
Martha

Susanne said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time but I've never commented before. You are a wonderful mother and you're doing everything right. Postnatal depression is so incredibly hard. Thanks for being honest and for sharing what happened.

allie-mac-fallie said...

so proud of you for sharing this and congrats on getting help with it! so glad to hear that things are better for you!
Our baby is now 3 months old but I too had those same feelings when my mom left... i cried and cried and my poor hubby kept telling me it would be alright but I didnt think it would.
thankfully, things are better now but I just wanted you to know that I was there too! :)
Presley is soooo cute! :) I'm sure she is such a blessing!