Part 2. Our IVF Journey

When I decided we were moving on to IVF, I started researching clinics! I have a friend who had just gone to the St. Louis Fertility clinic and was pregnant, so I read all about the doctor and decided I wanted to meet with him!

My first consultation was supposed to happen on February 1st, but we were forced to cancel the appointment because a big snow storm was forecasted for that day.

We ended up getting another appointment on Feb. 4th, and almost ran into another roadblock. But this time, nothing would keep me from making it to St. Louis. I was unable to drive because of icy roads, so I hopped on a flight and met my mom in St. Louis. Matt couldn't go because he isn't allowed to miss work during ratings months.

In anticipation of the appointment, I started birth control in December because I knew I needed to be on it for 2 months to get rid of any cysts that I had on my ovaries. I also knew that if I didn’t get to see Dr. Silber that week, the whole process would be pushed back another month -- so I was desperate to get there and get this started!

My appointment was scheduled for 3:30 and I was supposed get an ultrasound done before showing up. So I went to St. Lukes hospital and got checked-in by Charles, who turned out to be the nicest man ever! He was so positive and made me feel so at ease. After explaining some stuff, he then told me congrats because he knew this was going to work! He said Dr. Silber is the best and I should just go ahead and paint the baby room! HA!

After all we had been through over the last two years, I wasn't feeling very positive -- but this felt really good to hear! So anyway, the ultrasound went great and the tech also told me that my ovaries were cyst-free and that everything looked great with my uterus and ovaries!

Then it was time to head over to meet the “famous” Dr. Silber! He had already looked over all of our medical records and history and verified that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which meant the only way I would be able to get pregnant would be through IVF. I was relieved that he seemed so confident and I was ready to get started!

What's amazing, is that I had been extremely emotional, sad, angry, and very anxious for almost two years...but all of those feelings seem to disappear after meeting with Dr. Silber.

After discussing IVF with Dr. Silber, I met with my IVF coordinator, Joan. She went through payments, dates, medications and tons of other IVF protocol! I started birth control the same day as my appointment and was instructed to take 18 birth control pills, then stop, have a period and then begin taking shots.

On day 14 of my pill pack, I started Lupron (10 units). It was the first shot I had EVER given myself! Matt normally gives them to me because I hate shots so much. But he wasn’t going to be home on the 2nd night so I just had to do it myself. I seriously couldn’t believe that I did it, but once it was over, it really wasn’t that bad! I felt like I suddenly overcame my fear of needles! In fact, I continued giving my own shots the whole time when they were sub-q (in the belly fat) shots.

Before starting the stimulation shots, I went in for another baseline unltrasound & bloodwork to make sure we were ready to start the process. So on March 2nd, I started 150-ius of Follistim, 75-ius of Menopur and continued with Lupron... but reduced it to 5 units!

Five days after starting shots, I had to begin monitoring appointments in St. Louis. On the first day, I had to be at the hospital before 7:45 for blood-work and an ultrasound. The u/s was uncomfortable because my ovaries were so swollen from the shots. The tech let me see everything and said I had PLENTY of follicles. That afternoon, Joan called me and said I was responding almost too well to the shots!

I had 19 measurable follicles and 22 smaller ones. In response, they took me off the Follistim and Menopur and I took a small dose of HCG for the next 2 nights before going back on Wednesday morning for another monitoring appointment. They did this to try to mature the 19 measurable ones and not let the others grow anymore.

The ultrasound on Wednesday morning was really painful. I was getting so bloated and the internal probe just seemed to push everything around. When I called for the results that afternoon, the HCG had worked, which meant I had 25 measurable follicles and was finished with my monitoring appointments. 36 hours before my scheduled retrieval, I had to take the Novarel 10,000 unit trigger shot.

After getting off work, Matt and Romeo headed up to St. Louis on Friday afternoon. I was SO ready to see my special boys! Again, I had already been there for almost one week with my mom. We actually had a lot of fun in-between appointments, by shopping at two malls, seeing 3 movies and even checking out some of the local baby furniture stores! It was so fun looking at cribs and dreaming about getting to pick one out hopefully in the near future!

Once Matt and Romeo arrived, all three of us had our own room, while my mom stayed in a separate room. (Remember THIS post about Romeo's first hotel stay?) Mom didn’t want to leave until after the egg retrieval, which was scheduled for 9:15am on March 12th!

Matt and I had to check-in at the hospital at 7:15 the next morning and I don't think we slept at all that night. We were both so nervous! After lots of prayers and years of trying everything possible, it all came down to this morning! LOTS OF PRESSURE! I remember praying every time I woke up that night that God would calm my nerves and let me get some rest.

Once we got to the hospital, Matt and Mom got to stay with me the whole time. I changed into a gown and sat in a recliner with warm blankets. I wasn't scared to have the surgery, but I was nervous about being "put under". That feeling also caused a little bit of my anxiety to creep-up again! Luckily, I had two people I love the most sitting right next to me and they were so great about trying to keep me calm!

Shortly after the anesthesiologist started my IV, Dr. Silber and Dr. DeRosa came in to talk to us. They told us what to expect during the retrieval process and I think their words truly put all of us at ease. Both of these men are well-respected professionals and they're so sweet and caring!

Within a couple of minutes after our meeting with the doctors, I was walking back to the OR. Once there, they got me comfortably on the table and into the stirrups....and honestly -- that's the last thing I remember!

Next thing I know, I'm back in a room with Matt and mom -- and I'm in some serious pain! The best way to describe it is, the absolute worst menstrual cramps a woman could ever feel!

But despite the pain and agony, Matt and Mom tell me my first words were actually a question, "HOW MANY EGGS????"

Apparently, I was mumbling that same question over and over while the drugs were starting to wear off. Matt and Mom told me numerous times, and at some point it finally sunk in. They had successfully retrieved 12 eggs!

This smile is after the pain pill to help with the cramping! :)

We were forced to stay at the hospital for about one hour before being allowed to leave. Matt drove me to the hotel, while Mom ran to Panera Bread Company to get us some food. Still groggy and in pain, I managed to eat some soup. But after that, I totally passed out! Mom then left St. Louis and headed back to Arkansas, while Matt took care of me at the hotel room.

After sleeping quite a bit that day, Matt and I woke up and started our new routine of giving progesterone shots. These shots are intramuscular and given in the hip/butt area. Just so you know, they don't feel very good AT ALL! Along with being horribly bloated and constipated from the surgery and drugs, I also had the weirdest feeling in my stomach. So basically, from that point forward, I didn't wear anything in St. Louis other than my black yoga/sweat pants!

Sunday, I had enough strength, so Matt and I drove downtown and looked Busch stadium and The St. Louis Arch. We also had dinner at a steak restaurant that cost way too much! We didn’t realize what we had gotten ourselves into, until the bill was laid on the table! We just laughed it off, saying it was our "Celebration Dinner"!

We had to be at the hospital at 6:15 for the embryo transfer on Tuesday, March 15th. We were really excited and most of my anxiety was gone. I knew I had to be calm and relaxed for the transfer to go well. We undressed and got into our scrubs.

I remember thinking how happy I was that Matt was there with me...and that he would also be right next to me during the transfer! Obviously, this isn't a traditional way to conceive, but if it results in a baby -- we were all for it!

Dr. Silber came in to talk to us before the transfer. He said he had great news! We have 3 PERFECT embryos, and he thought it would be best to put 2 of the embryos in and freeze the other one for later use. We felt very encouraged and we fell in love with our little embryos and started praying they would "take" and become our babies!

These are the 2 embryos we put in 3 days after conception! Truly the miracle of life!

This is my favorite picture from the week! It makes me cry every time I look at it and think about how relieved we are at that moment!

We walked into the OR and I got all situated on the table. The whole procedure lasted maybe 10 minutes. They used a noodle-like catheter to insert the 2 perfect embryos into my uterus. I never felt anything and it happened so fast. In no time at all, we were back in our room waiting to be discharged.

We were so excited leaving the hospital for the last time, knowing it was all over!! We went straight to IHOP and stuffed ourselves, before going back to our hotel room and crashing for several hours. When we woke up, we packed up the car, left STL around 8 and got home around 1:30am. We were so happy to be home!!! But then started "The Dreaded Two Week Wait"!

I remember on Tuesday of week two, being sad because I had no symptoms and I was afraid that meant I wasn’t pregnant. But Thursday afternoon, I felt some changing of hormones, kind of like it was PMS coming on. I knew that could be a good sign but I tried not to think too much about it. And then Friday on my way to work, I always eat a cinnamon pop tart or breakfast bar and I could only eat 2 bites because I felt like I was going to puke. It tasted terrible to me all of the sudden! Then I was starving by lunch. I ate Flying Burrito and immediately had heartburn. I made it through the day, but later that evening I drove through Sonic and my normal cheese sticks didn’t taste good either. I remember thinking, this better be pregnancy! :)

Later that night, I felt some waves of nausea so I decided that on Saturday morning I was going to take a test! I didn’t tell anyone beforehand -- and when I woke up at 7:30am, I sat down and peed on a stick! I have peed on so many sticks and always watched for the 2nd line to show up, but it has never happened. But this would be different! All of the sudden, I see that infamous 2nd line!!!!

I jumped up, ran into the bedroom, flipped on the lights and started yelling for Matt to wake up and LOOK!!! I said “There have NEVER been two lines… THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN TWO LINES MATT!!!”

The Pregnancy. Part 3 will be next!

Our journey. Part 1

This is my fertility story.

As these events were happening, I didn't feel like sharing every detail. But now that I'm on the other side, I want our struggle to serve as inspiration to the many others who are going through the same thing.

Since I was a teenager, I've never had regular cycles (like they would not come back for months) so in college I got on the pill.

When I decided to get off in December of 2008, I just figured that after 6 years, I would be regular.

Well... I was very wrong. I had a period in January, but not again for months. In April, I went to my OB and asked them what I should do. They did preliminary testing on Matt and me. I also had an HSG test done in May that ended up forcing me to start for the first time since January.

During that time, we had been to the Mayo Clinic for Matt's health problems and we were under a lot of stress. I chalked up the failure to get pregnant and not having a period to those trying times.... but of course, the pain was still there. It then got worse because some of our friends seemed to get pregnant with such ease.

Finally in July, my doctor gave me Provera to force a period. We did blood work all during that month to check hormone levels. So at the end of August, we found out for sure that I wasn't ovulating. That started the year and half of fertility treatments.

• September 2009- Clomid 50mg- Did not ovulate
• October 2009- Clomid 100mg- OVULATED
• November 2009- Clomid 100mg- Did not ovulate
• December 2009- Took the month off because I was starting to feel the effects of the drugs & wanted to try to be happy during Christmas!
• January 2010- Clomid 100mg- Did not ovulate (Probably one of the worst months during this journey because I knew it at this point, this was not going to be simple and 150mg made me a basket case!)
• February 2010- Took no meds and was sent Little Rock Fertility clinic. At the LRFC, we talked about our options and set up a new plan for the next 6 months. He also said I had polycystic ovaries!
• March 2010- Fermara, day 12 u/s, HCG trigger shot- Did not ovulate- Never started my period, so took pushed back Provera 2 more weeks so I could enjoy my trip to NYC. My last part of the trip, I started the meds for the next month.
• April/May 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, day 12 u/s, HCG trigger- OVULATED but progesterone low on day 21
• June 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, day 12 u/s, HCG trigger- OVULATED but progesterone low on day 21
• July 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, day 12 u/s, HCG trigger- OVULATED and progesterone was 30 but negative test! :( I thought everything went really well this month fertility wise so the negative test was extra hard. Not to mention it was my birthday month and I had gained more weight from the steroid!
• August 2010- Took a much needed break and enjoyed our family tradition of a week at Church camp!
• September 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, day 12 u/s, HCG trigger, IUI- OVULATED but progesterone low again on day 21 so went straight back to LRFC to figure something else out! We decided to add some injectables.
• October 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, Follistim 75 ius/4 days, day 12 u/s (had 6 follicles), HCG trigger- OVULATED but pretty sure I overstimmed a little that month.

Also, if you notice, there was no IUI this month...and you won't believe what happened!

I went to the clinic with my cup of "goods" and waited for it to be cleaned. I was a nervous wreck waiting this day. Then I heard this horrible crash! I thought, that sounded awful, surely that doesn't have anything to do with MY stuff. Then a nurse came in the small waiting room and asked me to come step in a room and the doctor would come talk to me in a minute. This was very unusual because normally my good friend, who is my nurse, would just come get me and take me to the room to do the IUI. She also had just walked by and told me it was almost ready so I was so confused as to what was going on.

Dr. H came in and told me the crash I heard was the machine that was preparing my "goods" and it shattered the tube they were in. That meant there were no more "goods" to use for an IUI. She apologized profusely and told me they would do the same procedure for me later that night if I wanted to. I calmly declined because we had company that evening and I didn't have a lot of faith in that machine anymore. After that, I quickly left the clinic!

Well at this point, I'm not even sure if I was breathing. I got in my car and called Matt. I tried to explain what happened but I seriously was crying so hard he could barely understand me! It had been 36 hours after the trigger shot, so I knew our prime time was being passed by. I was also thinking about all the money we had spent on the injectables and it just about made me vomit! Needless to say, October was a horrific month, and I hope NO ONE ever has to go through that because it was awful!

• November 2010- Clomid 100mg, Dexamethasone, Follistim 75 ius/4 days, day 12 u/s. It stops there...

I went to LRFC for my u/s this month because I was down in South AR over that weekend. As soon as he started the u/s, he said there were way too many follicles. He then proceeded to tell me that I was to NOT take the HCG trigger shot, I was to NOT have intercourse....and this month was CANCELLED!

I felt like someone had died. I went into a very deep depression that day. My mom was with me at the appointment and tried to help me cope with it and think positively. It was difficult to think positive thoughts because I was in a total state of shock, crying my eyes out and just staring into space. I had to get home to Matt immediately, so I got in my car and cried for 3 hours back to Fayetteville!

Those last 2 months, just about did me in. That was my last straw... I was moving on to IVF!!

Part 2. The IVF Journey is coming up next!

Laughing through infertility.

Infertility is just the pits! This just hasn't been best month for me. Adding some new things to this cycle has only cost me more money and more tears. These drugs make me feel like I am losing my mind at times!

BUT...I have found a blog that really brings some laughter to infertility. (If that's even possible!) I wanted to share this to make sure that all my infertility bloggers/friends have seen it! Yesterday's post was about all the books that are out there about increasing your chances to get pregnant. I have read so many books and so many online articles, I think I could write my own book!! But her sarcasm in the suggestions of titles for the books, just literally made me laugh. And to be honest, I felt somewhat encouraged that I am not in fact losing my mind and that anyone else going through infertility has/have had some of these same thoughts and feelings!

You can go read the article and more at www.999reasonstolaugh.com... but here are her suggestions for more realistic titled fertility books:

• What to Expect after you’ve peed on a stick and you’re not sure if you really see a second line or it’s your imagination.
• What to Expect when you’ve been waiting all day for the fertility doctor to call you back.
• What to Expect after you’ve stared at the toilet paper and thought that you might have seen a red dot.
• What to Expect when you’re partner’s sperm count is in the negatives.
• What to Expect after you’ve had baby-making sex, not because you wanted to, but because it was ovulation time.
• What to Expect when cousin Martha gets pregnant on her first try.
• What to Expect when you have way too much PCOS-related facial hair.
• What to Expect after you’ve been inseminated by a 20 year old fertility intern named Teresa.
• What to Expect when your Facebook friends happily post their ultrasound photos and you want to shoot yourself.
• What to Expect after you’ve just eaten a container of ice cream following a BFN.
• What to Expect when you’re at a baby shower sobbing in the guest of honor’s bathroom.
• What to Expect when you have to give yourself a fertility injection during cousin Emma’s wedding.
• What to Expect when you’re mother gives you another newspaper articles about infertility.
• What to Expect when you’re completely jealous of all pregnant women but won’t ever admit it.
• What to Expect when you feel hopeless and this blog reminds you to never give up HOPE.

You may be thinking...What is funny about infertility anyways? Naomi, the blogger that blogs through her fertility struggles says, Infertility itself is not very funny but when life hands you lemons, make some fertile lemonade! All I’m say is that feeling depressed about any situation in your life is not going to help. Staying positive and laughing makes life much more enjoyable.

So after reading through some of her post, I am going to try to take her advice and do some laughing!

Needles...

Before going through infertility, I HATED needles. I still do. But I am surprisingly getting more used to them. As a child, I would always dread getting shots. I hated fall because my mom would make me get flu shots. When I got my first iv at 17, I bawled hysterically like a baby! All that to say, after getting blood taken every month and having monthly hcg shots in my stomach, I actually scheduled myself an acupuncture appointment! My fear of needles is still present so I am not sure what in the world I was thinking.

After I scheduled the appointment, I went to youtube and watched videos of people getting acupuncture! None of them looked to be in too much pain, in fact many of them didn't even flinch. I have been reading a lot online about acupuncture going along with infertility treatments and at this point, I feel like nothing can hurt!

Well today was the day of the appointment. I was a little apprehensive about it and even after the videos still wasn't sure what to expect. The place I went to was a Chiropractor/Acupuncturist office. It was more like an old house, but there were other people there being treated at the same time so I felt like it was legit. When I was walking up to the door, I noticed there was a huge black dog sitting in the doorway. He seemed old and tired. I wasn't sure if he was going to move or not, so I just had to step over him to open the door and enter the office! ha! Anyways, the doctor was very nice. We talked about my history and then proceeded with the acupuncture.

It really wasn't bad at all. I probably had about 10 or so needles down my back for about 20 min. I felt a pinch when they went in but after that I couldn't even feel them. Then she took those out and inserted more... 1 on each ankle, wrist, ear and one in my forehead. She also had a heat lamp over my stomach. This was to help the blood circulation. I laid there for 20 more min. And that was it!

She wants me to come once a week. Hopefully, I will have a success story to tell after all this. We will see... For a girl who hates needles, I sure have endured a lot of them for this precious un-made child of mine! :)

Break.

I am taking a break from the blog for a few days!! We will be out in the middle of no where at a church camp that we attend yearly. So this also means that I will be taking a break from my cellphone (because there isn't any service), facebook, blogs, and even Twitter! It's actually really nice and relaxing to be away from these things for a few days each summer. I will miss all of you blog/twitter friends, but I will be back before you know it!

Speaking of breaks... a few of you have asked about how our fertility treatments are going. I kind of put everything out there and haven't said much about it since then. We had three successful months of ovulation which is huge after 7 months of nothing even while on fertility drugs! But after this last cycle, I felt that I needed a real break from all the drugs, ovulation sticks, taking my temp, counting days along with all the emotions that come with trying for a baby! I am just tired of all of it and tired of feeling bloated and sick each month! I don't want to take too much time off and will start back up in the fall but I am hoping this break will be good for me physically, emotionally and mentally! Thanks for your continuous thoughts and prayers!

I will be back next week with lots of Birthday celebration pics! See ya then!

Reasons to blog...

I started this blog to share our life with family and friends. There will be many infertility updates for sure... but I want to keep blogging about all the random things I've written about in the past!

1. Matt...and all our adventures/fun things we do together will continue to be on the blog! We have been together for 9.5 years and I love him more and more each day!

2. Romeo will make many appearances on the blog! How could he not with this sweet face?! Plus when we do have a baby, this poor boy may never get any face time! ha! :)

(Funny story... I had Matt proof read this before I posted and I got in trouble and Matt got his feelings hurt because Romeo was initially first on the list! HAHA!)

3. Our family is so important to both of us! I love when I can blog about our special time with them.

4. Friends... Matt and I have so many amazing friends! Now that Matt is having some better days, we can't wait to start hanging out with them again and making more memories in the process.

5. Hair, products and fashion. I've always been a very girly girl and I love to shop!! I love reading other people's blogs on their favorite products, so I plan to write more posts about all kinds of lovely female things!

6. Of course, infertility will be discussed on my blog more frequently since I have finally shared our story. But I don't want this to turn into a sob story blog about our infertility. I find a lot of comfort and wisdom in reading about other's infertility struggles. So I will continue to blog about my issues, in hope that I can be encouraging to others!

So that's the basic outline for this blog, but I'm sure there will be days when I won't have anything interesting to talk about. If there's anything else you would like to know about us or want me to blog about, feel free to leave me a comment! :)

One last thing... I went to the movies last night with some blogger friends! Some of them I knew and some I met for the first time. It was so fun to finally meet them in person, although I feel like I already knew them from their blogs! The group of about 8 of us met in Rogers and saw 'Dear John'.

I was expecting to cry a lot in this movie, but I actually didn't. I could have cried during a few parts but I really enjoyed this movie! It made me want to read the book to find out more. It was just such a sweet love story. And I sure can't complain about getting to look at Channing Tatum for 2 hours!

Hope everyone has a happy Friday!

Overwhelmed...

WOW! I have no words for all of you amazing blog readers and friends!! I never could have imagined the comments and encouragement that I have gotten from the post below! I struggled for over a month with whether to post it and I can say now that I am glad I did. I feel like I just gained a whole new group of friends! Thank you to all of you that have never commented before and to every single one of you that have promised to pray for us! I am truly honored! Your thoughts, prayers, cries, similar stories and encouraging successes will keep me going through the hard times that I will have during the rest of this journey!

After finishing "Hannah's Hope", I started reading another book called "Water from the Rock : Finding God's comfort in the midst of Infertility". I haven't read the whole book yet but have skipped around to different chapters. I wanted to share with you what I read tonight...

The R's of Renewal

• Resist Satan's lies and reject the patterns of this world.
• Rest in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.
• Resolve inner conflicts, releasing regrets and unforgiveness and repenting of self-focus.
• Reframe you situation from a spiritual perspective.
• Restore godly thinking and renew your attitude.
• Rely on others.
• Remember the One to whom you should run for daily renewal.

It also says... "The amount of time it takes for your mind to become transformed is directly correlated to your willingness to submit to His teachings." This is something I really struggle with daily! I am trying so hard to stop planning my own life and my own path and just trust that God is in complete control! Thanks again for all of your support!!

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

- Romans 12:2

Infertility...

It's been a difficult year, to say the least. As most of you know, my husband Matt has been very sick. While I have talked openly about his rare symptoms, unique test results and daily struggles; I have hidden the fact that Matt isn't the only person dealing with medical issues.

After months of contemplating a potential post about my infertility, I have decided that now is the right time to tell our story. Over the last 13 months, Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant. Constant prayers and motivating words from friends and family have helped us remain positive and hopeful. We also rely heavily on scripture combined with our faith in God. Even though we know God has a plan for us, sometimes we lose sight of the big picture and become overwhelmed with anxiety and depression from not conceiving as fast as we imagined.

Matt and I have loved children our whole lives and it's always been our dream to have sons and daughters. Because of that, the thought of potentially not giving birth has consumed my life in a negative way. I'm doing my best to stay positive, but it's so hard.

To make matters worse....almost all of my friends, co-workers, former classmates and family members have called me over the last few months to announce their pregnancies. I'm always so excited for them, but I can't help but cry after our conversations end. I guess those announcements remind me of my situation and gets me thinking about the possibility of never being a mother.

Sometimes I feel guilty complaining about my situation, because Matt and I are truly blessed in so many ways. But regardless, this is a real life problem that won't go away. Along with prayers and long talks with Matt and my family, I have also gotten a major morale boost through a book called "Hannah's Hope". It turns out that me and the author, Jennifer Saake, are part of a large population of women experiencing the same problems.

As soon as I bought this book, I sat down and started reading. It didn't take long to become totally immersed in her story. The first two chapters had me in tears because I felt as though Jennifer was reading my mind and heart. Each page described my exact feelings of hope, worry and fear. This is a wonderful book that I continue to learn from. I recommend "Hannah's Hope" to anyone who is hurting for a child, struggling with the loss of their baby, or anyone who has become a burden bearer for a woman dealing with these situations!

After months of using Clomid to try to correct my problems, my doctor recommended that I see a specialist. Matt and I had an appointment with a fertility specialist Monday in Little Rock. The doctor was so encouraging and made me feel a lot better about our situation. He gave me a game plan that has many options!! I am somewhat of a control freak, so a game plan made me very happy! :)

Basically, the main problem is that I have irregular cycles and never ovulate. However, that will hopefully change soon because the specialist outlined numerous ways to fix my body and had full confidence that I would be pregnant one day! So now that you know some of the details, please keep us in your prayers and I will continue to update our journey on this blog!