Grief is a weird thing. You literally don't know how you are going to be hour by hour. And you never know what is going to trigger a breakdown!
The days after a bad nights sleep seem to be my worst days. I guess the lack of sleep makes my emotions less controlable. Friday was one of my worst days. Reality hit me in the face first thing when I woke up. I felt like I was suffocating. I got up and walked outside to try to breathe in fresh air. I ended up walking with Preslee down the street while hysterically crying.
Lisa, Preslee and I went for a drive a little later and decided to visit Lisa's sister. She lives past the lake and as we crossed the dam, I unexpectedly had a panic attack! I have been to the lake all my life but during college, Matt's family got a ski boat and we went all summer long. I have some of the best memories with Matt on the boat. As I crossed that lake, memories that I had even forgotten came flooding back to me. It was a trigger that I never would have guessed would have caused me so much pain. My whole body was shaking and as I was driving Lisa actually had to tell me to breathe.
I am scared of bad days and I am scared of triggers! And coming off of post-partum depression, I am scared of being depressed the rest of my life. I know that eventually the pain won't be so bad but not knowing how long until that will be is very frightening.
I find myself saying things that Matt would say or telling others about stuff Matt would say or do. I don't want to forget anything and I want Preslee to really feel like she knows who her dad was... Not just her dad the news anchor or her dad who was sick a lot. I want her to know his funny sense of humor, his obsessive personality, things he liked or didn't like. I want her to know everything about him and I am determined to do all that I can to make sure we both go through life remembering him!
Most days I don't feel like blogging. But I do want to let you readers know that I am making it. But most of all, I want to journal bad times as well as good times. I hope to blog soon about Preslee and share some recent pics but right now I am just writing to journal and get these thoughts out of my head so that I may have some peace at some point when I re-read this when the pain isn't as intense.
Thank you again to everyone involved with the silent auction! Those fab 5 who coordinated it, the ones who donated items and the ones who bid and contributed to the Preslee Turner fund... I can never thank you enough!
Bye Bye High Chair
2 days ago