10.21.2012

Triggers

Grief is a weird thing. You literally don't know how you are going to be hour by hour. And you never know what is going to trigger a breakdown!

The days after a bad nights sleep seem to be my worst days. I guess the lack of sleep makes my emotions less controlable. Friday was one of my worst days. Reality hit me in the face first thing when I woke up. I felt like I was suffocating. I got up and walked outside to try to breathe in fresh air. I ended up walking with Preslee down the street while hysterically crying.

Lisa, Preslee and I went for a drive a little later and decided to visit Lisa's sister. She lives past the lake and as we crossed the dam, I unexpectedly had a panic attack! I have been to the lake all my life but during college, Matt's family got a ski boat and we went all summer long. I have some of the best memories with Matt on the boat. As I crossed that lake, memories that I had even forgotten came flooding back to me. It was a trigger that I never would have guessed would have caused me so much pain. My whole body was shaking and as I was driving Lisa actually had to tell me to breathe.

I am scared of bad days and I am scared of triggers! And coming off of post-partum depression, I am scared of being depressed the rest of my life. I know that eventually the pain won't be so bad but not knowing how long until that will be is very frightening.

I find myself saying things that Matt would say or telling others about stuff Matt would say or do. I don't want to forget anything and I want Preslee to really feel like she knows who her dad was... Not just her dad the news anchor or her dad who was sick a lot. I want her to know his funny sense of humor, his obsessive personality, things he liked or didn't like. I want her to know everything about him and I am determined to do all that I can to make sure we both go through life remembering him!

Most days I don't feel like blogging. But I do want to let you readers know that I am making it. But most of all, I want to journal bad times as well as good times. I hope to blog soon about Preslee and share some recent pics but right now I am just writing to journal and get these thoughts out of my head so that I may have some peace at some point when I re-read this when the pain isn't as intense.

Thank you again to everyone involved with the silent auction! Those fab 5 who coordinated it, the ones who donated items and the ones who bid and contributed to the Preslee Turner fund... I can never thank you enough!

113 comments:

Jill said...

Still praying, Julee, and I'm so glad to read your updates no matter how good, bad, or ugly. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Brooke said...

You and Preslee are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through, but remember you are loved!

Brandi said...

Constantly thinking and praying for you and Preslee. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Samantha said...

Praying and thinking about you everyday!! I am so sad reading. Keep those memories alive for your baby girl!!

Lauren said...

Your posts are so raw and powerful. Thank you for sharing them with us, even though you certainly do not owe that to any of us. We love knowing how you're doing and what to specifically pray for. You never leave my heart, my mind, or my prayers. You are loved by more people than you know!

Mary Susan said...

I have never met you and I am a new follower of your blog. Ever since I heard about Matt's accident I feel as if I have grieved with you. I have thought of you and sweet Preslee each day and pray for peace during the days and nights, and the weeks, months and years to come. Praying for you from Kansas City.

Lisa Kaloustian said...

Hi Julee....I have been reading your blog for quite a while now. Please know that my daughter and I are praying for you, Preslee and your family. I lost my husband when our daughter was just 18 months old. I know your pain. I know the gut-wrenching grief, the anxiety and panic that take your breath away, the morning when you first open your eyes and reality hits you like a ton of bricks. I know the desperation of trying to keep your loved one alive in your thoughts, your dreams, your heart. Sending you our love and prayers,
Lisa

Amanda M. said...

I am praying for you.

Cathie said...

Continued prayers for you!

Tina said...

Julee, I have a daughter in heaven so I know the triggers and the panic, anxiety, depression. I feel ur pain. I just want you to know that as time goes on, you learn better how to deal and handle. I let myself still cry when I need a good cry, and its been since 2001. I don't ever want her memory to fade and I think every emotion helps trigger a new memory that I had forgotten. Time heals, not in away that you ever forget because that is what we always want is to remember. But in time, you cope differently and smile more, find deeper love for that person and a deeper love for God. I pray for and pray that you can always feel his breath on your cheek

Kate said...

Praying for you.

Maryellen said...

Julee we are all here for as long as it takes. Blog your heart.
We welcome that.

Praying one day soon your precious memories of Matt will bring you more joy then sorrow . . .

I am an anixety and panic attack suffer for years. I understand . .

Praying . . .

Lyndsey said...

I cannot say I know how you feel, because I cannot imagine, but I am praying for you and your sweet daughter from Fayetteville.

autumn23 said...

Praying for you to feel peace and comfort during worst of times.

Beth said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. You and Preslee are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your pain stars to lessen and that you can live in the joy of Matt's memories. Xxx

Amy Thomas said...

I still think of and pray for you and Preslee (and Romeo, too - I know he misses his Daddy) each day. The strength and grace with which you have dealt with adversity is a true testament to your faith. It's wonderful that you and Matt's mom seem to have a great relationship... I'm sure that helps a lot as you both go through the stages of grief. Sending lots of love and hugs from central Virginia!

Sarah @Newlywed and Decorating said...

Julee, you are so brave. I hope that you blog only when you want to and when it helps you. I know you are changing my life for the better with your sharing and amazing faith though. I don't even know you and I wish I could take away all this pain for you and Preslee. Praying every day for you and hugging my family tighter because of it.

Sara Laverty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sara Laverty said...

Praying for you, Julee. I pray you get some good sleep tonight. Much love to you and Preslee.

AKK said...

Hugs to you and Preslee. So sorry you are going through this. Will continue to pray for you and your family.

The Mommy said...

Both you and Preslee are in my thoughts and prayers at the most random times and I can truly say that I have covered you in prayer since I heard about Matt's accident.
There is a children's book called The Invisible String (by Patrice Karst) that would be great to read to Preslee as she gets older and if you are like me, it will speak to your heart as well.

Sandi said...

Sending prayers for you, Preslee and Romeo! I can't imagine what u are going through. May God bless you and comfort you during this horrific storm!!

Beth S. said...

I'm praying for you and all of Matt's family! I found so much comfort in Dr. Suess's saying..."Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." It takes a while to get to that place, but one day those memories won't be trigger; they will be precious thoughts and stories to tell Preslee...that's one of God's promises!

Stacy said...

Even though we have never met I have been so sad for you and your family, I am so glad you have your sweet daughter to keep you going. I hope this isn't too personal, but you mention Matt was sick, what was wrong? Hugs! Stacy

Katelyn K. said...

Continuing to pray for you, Preslee and both your families during this time. You have an amazing amount of faith to get you through these trying times. God bless you both!

Abbie @ lovinourchaos said...

Hey friend, just wanted to let you know that blogging has helped me tremendously when talking about my grief and tragedies. I have had terrible anxiety since the death of my mom and my twin boys, seven years ago. Sometimes the anxiety was so bad, I couldn't do anything, but go through the necessary motions. I was so against taking prescription drugs for fear it would change my personality or I would become addicted, but I recently started taking 10mg of Lexapro and I can't believe how much it has helped. I felt so 'normal', that I quit taking it and the anxiety and internal chaos came back full force. I re-filled my prescription and am back to taking them again.

Also, reach out and write or talk about him. One of the greatest things that I did after our twins for born and passed away, was I created an online memorial site, which I wrote everything that I could think about, including my feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration. I am so glad that I did, because I can't remember all of the details now, like I did back then. Feel free to email me. This is Abbie with Missy Prissy Bow Boutique. Mush love to you and Preslee.

Kari said...

I think of you and your sweet girl often. hugs <3

Amber said...

Sweet Julee, I am praying for you daily. I know that we can not truly comprehend the pain you are going through. I always get so emotional as I read your posts as I know that nearly everything at this point is probably a "trigger." I hope this pain will weaken soon and your nights will become better.

Jen said...

Julee, my heart just breaks for you and Preslee. You are still in my prayers.

JSTYMIEST said...

Julee - we've never met and I came across your blog from Kelly's Korner. I've been praying for you and hope you will be comforted by your sweet Preslee, your family & friends, and of course - the Lord.
I completely understand the triggers you mentioned. My mom passed away a few years ago and it's usually the most unexpected things that trigger a memory and makes me feel sad (or even remember happy times) but then just makes me cry! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I will continue to pray!!

Cory said...

I am so glad that you are allowing yourself to feel it all and not stuff it. Years ago, my best friend lost her husband in an auto accident. She called me 10 minutes after she found out what happened to him, and we had a sad, intimate conversation, and after we hung up I never heard from her again. She changed her phone number, and literally walked away from everything, and everyone that was in her life while he was alive. I had to go find her at her home, and she was in the process of moving, and she basically told me that her family had encouraged her to move on, and she was doing just that. I had never seen anyone deal with grief that way. It was heart breaking all the way around. I didn't see her for about 15 years, and just recently my mom ran into her, and she told my mom that she would love to see me, but I have nothing to offer.
My point, I think it is healthy how you are dealing with things. And I have dealt with depression off and on, and anxiety for years, and I can tell you that God will not let you down. He will sustain you. Even if you have to be on med's for a while or what have you. Just never forget that you belong to Him. You have been through a trauma, continue to allow yourself grace.
Continued prayers for you and Miss P.

Brian and Kyndra said...

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

Run to Him! Praying for you to experience his peace, love, and mercy daily.

Cory said...

:) I didn't mean to sound harsh about my friend, and not wanting to see her... I was so sad that she walked away from our friendship, because she was so desperate to get away from the feeling of her loss. That is what I meant to convey. That is how she dealt with her pain though. I am thankful that you have good support around you.

tabitha hargraves said...

Julee been reading your blog for awhile now. My heart goes out to you. I lost my dh, 7yrs ago. You hang in there, there will be lots of different things that trigger you. Mine for the longest was Thursdays, it was the day he passed, I would have melt downs every Thurs. Writing down my feelings & to him helped alot. I also had friends write about him & wrote our story out to fix my daughter a memory book. It is a treasure.
Hugs to you from Texas, prayers for you & that sweet baby.

Becky said...

Smells, sounds, so many triggers are out there. Someday you will be walking someplace and see someone and your breath will catch because for a moment, you think it is Matt. Julee, I am not a big advocate of chemical helps, but I feel there are times when they can be of benefit. You may only need them temporarily so if necessary, don't feel any less of a Christian or any less strong. I have no doubt that you will do an amazeing job sharing with Preslee the wonder of Matt! Praying. Trust His heart.

Natasha said...

Julee --

I am continuing to pray for you and Preslee and that you may find some comfort every day. And I am praying that you can get some good rest at night.

Beth said...

Please know that a sister in Christ in Michigan is continuing to pray for you & Preslee!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

I have been listening to Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)" recently, and thinking of you and your New Normal. Mostly, I sing, pray, and I cry for you (and with you!).

"Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes".

You are loved, Julee!

Johanne said...

Sending all my Love & Hugs, praying it gets easier each day. The fact that you and Matt share such a beautiful baby girl will always be the best part of your life together. She will keep you going, she will make you smile again. Hope you know prayers are ebing said all over for you and Preslee and your families.

Jennifer said...

Blogging has been great therapy for me this past year. You will look back and see how far you have come and you will be amazed at how much stronger you are. It's hard to see when you are in the moment though.

I hear ya about triggers. I remember going to the grocery store and crying when I reached for the huge can of coffee and then put it back to grab the smaller one (since it was just me) and thinking about how it sucks that it's just me drinking coffee. Sounds stupid but it's those unexpected triggers that get you. Grief is like a carousel ride....you go up and down at different times and different speeds (even different from those also grieving around you)

Everything you are feeling is normal. Breathe. Don't look past today. Focus on this minute, this hour.....baby steps. You can do it.

Praying all the time!

Mrs. Harvey said...

Praying for you and your family and sweet Preslee everyday. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You have such a great group of woman who love and support you!

Toni :O) said...

Gosh words just fail me. I'm so heartbroken for you but I continue to think and pray for you. Hang in there and blessings for peace and comfort during this traumatic time.

Amanda (McNeely) Vestal said...

Oh, Julee. Your posts bring tears to my eyes. Continuing to pray for you and Preslee.

Roddey said...

Think and pray for you daily Julee. Each post gives me chills and I can not imagine what you are going through. So glad you have sweet Preslee to cheer you up and keep you going!

Sara said...

Still praying for you, Preslee and the entire family.

It is wonderful you are keeping Matt's memory alive so Preslee will know everything about him.

Brandi said...

You are an amazing lady!! You should make a book for little miss about her daddy! You could include so much stuff in it---like a scrapbook.

Penny said...

Continue to pray over you and your family. So very sorry for your loss. Your deep faith will help guide you through. You may have good days and bad days but know that the good days will slowly out weigh the bad ones. Your memories you created will become like things stored up at harvest time to get you through.

Rest assured many pray over you. I am on awe of your faith and strength. You will use your story as a light for The Lord. It makes me think of I will praise you in the good times as well as the bad times. You will praise The Lord no matter what. This is what others will learn through your example.

Praying for you. Penny in TN

Carli920 said...

My heart is breaking for you and Preslee. My ex husband was in radio (KMCK) here in Fayetteville, and I met Matt once or twice. I cannot imagine. It's ok to laugh, cry, scream, or stay in bed all day. No one can expect anything more of you. You truly have to be the strongest woman I've seen. Prayers you can come out of this tough time with your head held high. (((hugs)))

Brittany Sciba said...

You and Preslee pop in my thoughts several times a day... You are being prayed for in Texas!

Angel said...

I think of you often:) You and Preslee are prayed for here in Ohio.

Cora Bouch said...

Hi Julee. You have really been on my heart and I pray for you often. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It sounds like he was a wonderful husband, father, son and friend. I watched the entire funeral and even though I didn't know Matt I could not stop crying for you all for days. I was just so heartbroken for you. When my husband came home that night we watched it again together. We laughed and cried. Your husband was very funny! He seemed so caring to everyone. I wanted you to know I have really been touched by your husbands genuine concern for others. I feel like I have been so concerned with myself and my family that I haven't reached out to others like your husband did daily. He has really changed my perspective on life. I want to care and love people like that. Thank you for sharing the funeral with us. I'm sure that was hard but it was such a blessing to hear from those who knew him and loved him. He really has left a legacy.

You said in your post you were worried about forgetting things about Matt that you want Preslee to know about...have you thought about video taping yourself telling her about Matt? I know she's too little now to understand so maybe if you video tape a little each week it will be something you can watch together in the coming years. It could just be quick little things at first like foods he liked, his humor, the way he looked in on her at night etc. Then you could, as you are up for it, talk deeper things like his faith, your love story and any and everything. I know we like to think our memory won't fail us but sometimes life can be a blur. Don't worry how you look or getting the words just right, just do it so you will always have those memories with you. And for Preslee. She will thank you someday. Just a thought.
Praying for you.
Cora

DuBree Family said...

Praying for peace and as much happiness as possible as you and Preslee remember Matt.

Suzanne said...

Julee, when grief hits me, I go to Isiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Praying that God's comfort gets you through those hard nights! Praying for you!

Auntie Mip said...

Dear Julee,

I just prayed for you just now. Did you feel it? I so hope you did. My most fervent prayer is that every time your name or Preslee's name is uttered in hopes, dreams, thoughts and prayer you feel that in a most overwhelming and peaceful way. I know I keep saying that but it is truly my deepest desire for you.

I went to a Jesuit Prep school. I really align deeply with the ideology of the Jesuits who lived lives devoted to the teachings of Jesus. My schools patron saint has a most beautiful prayer. I have been praying it for you, Preslee and Matt's family.

God, Your days are without end,
your mercies beyond counting.
Help us always to remember that
life is short, and the day of our death
is known to You alone.
May Your Hily Spirit lead us to
live in holiness and justice all
our days. Then, after serving
You in the fellowship of Your Church,
with strong faith, consoling hope,
and perfect love for all, may we joyfully
come to Your Kingdom. We ask this
through Chirst Our Lord. Amen.

St. Robert Bellarmine, Pray for us!

LME said...

Julee, you have been in my thoughts and prayers this weekend and ever since I read the news of Matt's passing on Kelly's blog. My heart just sank because I have read your blog since you were pregnant with Preslee and I wish I could understand God's plan in what has happened. While we can't see or understand His plan now and we may not ever understand, I know He is walking through this with you. I know this because of the outpouring of love and support that is coming from His people. It is amazing to see how many people, many who don't even know you (including me) are praying for you and checking on you daily. When the times are tough at night and sleep escapes you, think of all the love and support you and Preslee have. When the anxiety and fear threatens to take over, remember that this time in your life is not a surprise to the Lord and He has already gone before you and has a path laid out for you to take during this difficult time. Whatever your worries are, He is already ahead of you and has a plan to meet that need. Also, remember the miracle that you have in Preslee. She is a part of Matt and because of her, a part of him is still with you. Even when you hold those truths to your heart, don't feel guilty or weak because of your feelings of grief and anxiety. Let it all out: the good, bad and the ugly! I will specifically pray for your fears about being depressed and that God will lead you on how to deal with that issue. The focus is to stay healthy and strong for your little girl and there is no shame in seeking professional help in the form of grief counseling, medication, etc. I think your biggest help will be in talking to those people who have been where you are. They will be a big help and inspiration. When you feel up to it, please keep us updated on your progress. The loss of a loved one, specifically a spouse, is one of the hardest things in life, so know that everything you are feeling right now is completely normal and thank you for sharing with us even though I know it has to be very difficult. Thank you for letting me share the words that God has put on my heart for you. Lori E.

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

Thinking and praying for you and Preslee. There are no words that can take the pain away but know that you have so many people keeping you close in prayer.

Leanne said...

My heart is rending for you....

I understand.

I'm still praying for you daily.

Take care. Don't have too many expectations. Whatever you're feeling is normal. Don't be hard on yourself. You won't forget. And....this is not forever. Your love for Matt and his love for you is forever and you are going to be reunited in Heaven. Believe! Cling!

(((HUGS))) from Washington State.

thepoleyfamily said...

Many prayers and warm thoughts.

The Java Mama said...

Praying for you girls continuously you are in our thoughts and prayers! Much love, Becky

waikikimum said...

Julee I have been thinking of you all daily and sending up a prayer for you. I haven't experienced the awful grief that you are going through right now but please remember that however and whatever you are feeling is ok. Don't try to fight the feelings or thoughts,accept them and let them flow as you need. Your family and friends and of course your beautiful Preslee with help you through each day. Take care x

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Oh Julee, my heart just aches for you reading this. Praying for strength and peace to get through the breakdowns. There is nothing wrong with breaking down or being depressed - it's a given in a situation like this. But if you continue to give it to God as you're experiencing those things (which it's apparent you already are) I am believing with you that He will carry you through it. Still praying multiple times a day, and will always do so.

Kelley said...

Julee, I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that each time we all read your posts and tweets, we pray. Hold onto your trust in God. He'll pull you through to the next day. Love you.

Heather said...

Sweet girl, you are only a week into this process. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling. Find a good grief counselor, pastor or support group to help you through the rough spots. And read Psalms. Every heartbreak in my life has been helped by Psalms. *hugs* and prayers!

Justine said...

Julee,
I am so sorry for your heartache. I cannot even begin to imagine the multitude of emotions you are feeling. You are truly an amazing woman who is so courageous and faithful. While I don't know you personally, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you daily.
Sincerely,
Justine Leshikar
P.S. your sweet Preslee and my oldest daughter Charlotte (she will be 4) share the same birthday! :)

Jamie said...

Julee,
I have just recently found your blog and my heart breaks for you and little Preslee. Please know that I am praying for you each day!
Jamie in NC

Sitesx6 said...

Hi Julee-
My dad died in a plane crash 5 months before my wedding. The grief overwhelmed me. The first year was the hardest. I would be totally fine (just like you said) and then out of the blue a thought, memory, a song on the radio, would trigger me and I'd cry. I remember wondering if I'd ever be normal again. I felt so deep in grief that I was afraid this was my new life.

But I can tell you- after about a year (the year was hard because it was the first of everything, Thanksgiving without him, Christmas, Father's Day, his birthday)....after a year, I slowly started to feel somewhat normal again...little by little. I tell you this to give you hope- that you WILL feel normal again. You WILL feel joy again. It will come. The pain will ease up a little. It does not mean you forget ...it just eases up. Hang in there. I'm praying so hard for you.

Today I prayed that God would fill your heart with peace and comfort...and now allow depression or hopelessness to settle in.

You are loved. Thanks for being so real.
Kelly in Michigan.

CB_Wilson said...

I don't know you, but I follow blogs of so many of your friends who have all been praying for you and asking for prayers. I know you must be an incredible woman! From the sounds of it, your husband was an incredible man. I don't know if this would help, it's just a suggestion, but maybe you can start another blog. Each time you post, it can be a letter to Preslee or just a regular post, but can be all about your husband. It could be just a thought or a memory, or it could be a long story. Maybe this will help you release some of your pain, while creating an opportunity for Preslee to know all the big and little things about her dad. Eventually, you could even have it made into a book for her. Post pictures of him and everything. Just a suggestion. Many prayers for you from a stranger in Louisville, KY!

Jenna said...

Julee, you are on my mind constantly and I am praying so hard for you during this time! Please know the prayers are coming from far and wide. We love you!

Jenna said...

Julee, you are on my mind constantly and I am praying so hard for you during this time! Please know the prayers are coming from far and wide. We love you!

Phyllis said...

Julee, I've never met you, but wanted you to know I'll pray for you and little Preslee. You have lots of prayer warriors out there and God will give you strength. My heart aches for you. I lost my dad at the young age of 49. He died just the day before my son was born, his first grandchild. I wasn't even able to attend his funeral. That was 39 years ago and I still miss him. You will always have those wonderful memories to share with your daughter. My son loved hearing stories and looking at photos of his grandpa. God bless you!

Jessica said...

Julee, We have never met, but I have been reading your blog since I was pregnant with my daughter and was saddened to hear of the loss of your husband, Matt. I think of you and your beautiful daughter every day and am sending lots of prayers your way. Here is a poem I came across online called "Daddy's Helping Jesus". I thought of your sweet Preslee right away and wanted to share it with you...

Daddy just wants you to know
He loves you with all his heart.

Jesus asked for Daddy's help
So Daddy for now must part.

Know that Daddy's always with you
Each and every day.

Know that Daddy will always love you
In each and every way.

Mommy might be sad right now
And cry over this.

Please do Daddy a favor,
Give her a hug and kiss.

Daddy's body might not be here
But know you’re never alone.

For Daddy's with you always and forever,
Even though Daddy's at Jesus's home.

Thank you for sharing with us this journey you and Prelee are on. You are loved by so many people and that, with God's never-ending love, will get you through anything.

Amber Maddux said...

speaking out of experience I highly recommend you get on Lexapro or something just to help with the anxiety of it all. I take 15mg a day and it seems to really have helped. I also have never spoken to a therapist but with a breakdown last week where I cried on/off almost every day I was reassured that it would be a good thing. Friday we had court to finalize all the details of Brett's death and I believe it has helped. I have a renewed since of spirit this morning and feel a bit stronger. Please email me, call me or whatever if you need anything. You will make it through this - PROMISE :)

Nancy said...

Hugs to you, Julee. I wish I lived there & we could go to lunch today!
I admire you for all things you are handling & pray for a peaceful day for you!!

Summer said...

Oh Julee I truly ache for you. I bet the triggers are just so painful! I am sure they are gonna be there and be pretty painful for a long time and then you will learn what triggers you and will be more prepared to get upset when they do. It's ok to grieve honey, and you have a lot to grieve about. You know that I think you are an amazing person, momma, and I know you will be ok. I know you won't be depressed forever because that isn't who you are, you will overcome this and be stronger for it. You are definetly an inspiration for me, most people probably wouldn't even be able to get out of bed. I wish I could take all this back, I wish it was all a bad dream, I love you girl and anytime you need to talk I'm a text message or an email away. xoxo
Summer
ps I pray for comfort today and not as many triggers.

Aaron and Kristi said...

Julee-
I continue to keep you and your precious, Preslee in my prayers. As I was just reading over your post, a thought came to mind. VIDEO! When you have your strong moments, video tape stories of Matt for Preslee. Video others telling stories of Matt. Let her see your smiles, your tears and your laughter about her father. She will be able to keep these throughout her life and share with her kids one day.

I hope the love being shown through comments on your blog will help you also on those tough days. Know total strangers (like myself) are praying for you and asking God to comfort you. Like Christ's love, we love you and Preslee too!

Stephanie said...

Julee,

Continuing to pray for you, Preslee, and your families daily!

Grief is very intense in the early days, weeks, months. I wish I could tell you when it would go away, but we all deal with grief differently. One thing I can 100% promise you is that you will make it through this process by leaning on GOD, your family, and your friends!

Christy said...

Thank you so sharing what's on your heart, Julee. Praying for you and Preslee constantly.

Megan said...

Julee my heart just aches for you as you climb this steep hill of grief. You are covered in prayers from so many, and I am amazed at your strength. I hope that in the coming weeks and months that you will seek grief counseling, I think it will help tremendously. You are probably experiencing some trauma from what you have been through. I am praying that you are able to grieve peacefully and get a good night's sleep.

carolina girl said...

Julee, like many others, I do not know you, but I have been praying for you many times daily. I pray for peace in your heart, and vivid memories of your many joyful times with Matt. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being you.

Lisa said...

Most of us, myself included cannot fathom the pain you are going thru, so please never feel pressured to share things you don't feel comfortable sharing yet. Your writings are so raw, and I'm sure that is how you are feeling, raw and ripped apart. Loving you and praying for you and Preslee in Virginia.

shawwendy12 said...

Praying for you non-stop. Take one day at a time and allow yourself to have "bad days". Don't worry about people wanting you to be strong, etc. I know a few other people have also mentioned this, but video, make videos of you talking about Matt, other people talking about Matt, Preslee will love this as she gets older!!!
I am just a fan of your blog, and don't know you, but you and Preslee have been on my heart. Take Care.
Much love from Indiana
Wendy

glenda said...

Praying for you and Preslee.
Peace, strength and comfort during these difficult times.
Blog when you feel like it and take all the time you need to breathe. This is your grief and you will go through this journey on your time, your speed. Thank you for sharing Matt & Preslee with all of us.

ThirstyGirl said...

The way you keep them alive is to talk about them. When my daddy passed away someone told me to get a small mini recorder and just talk. Talk about the things he said and did, talk about what I'm missing, etc. It took me several years to listen to those tapes. But I found that I had forgotten some of the little things that were fresh in my memory when I was talking into the recorder. You might try that for Preslee if nothing else even if you don't listen to them for years...its okay.
Know that my husband and I are holding you up in prayer daily. We've never met...but he was a young widower--same exact situation and feels he knows what you're facing...we're holding you daily..and every other time the spirit gives the unction...

terrimatthews said...

Julee, Grief has no manners!!!! It can hit anytime or anywhere. After my husband passed away 27 months ago my son moved in with me. He just bought a house and moved out this weekend. Now I feel like my greiving is at the very beginning agaim. In my experience my heart will forever be broken. I hope and pray you have more good days than bad. It will take time so don't give up!!! Hugs to you,
Terri Matthews

meg said...

You write things and I can feel them as I read. I can imagine feeling like I'm suffocating, or just waking up randomly and feeling like "Oh my gosh, this is really how life is now." I'm so sorry you are going through the pain but also fearful of the pain too. I hope going through those triggers really helps you at least feel release and I'm guessing it's totally normal!! Still praying for you daily. I hope you don't feel pressure to feel okay or to feel certain ways -- I pray you feel or express whatever you need to in your heart and that you know it's okay.

Ashleigh Nichole said...

Still praying & thinking of you!

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you. I've lost both my parents to cancer and although I know it's not as hard as losing a spouse...I have similar feelings that come on very suddenly. It takes my breath away sometimes. I'll pray for peace over you.

Taylor said...

Praying endlessly for you, friend.

katie said...

Still thinking of you and praying for you Julee.

Little Pink Rose said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. When you blog about all of your feelings we can pray more specifically for what you need. Thank you for trusting us, your readers, with your heart. I continue to pray that you never feel lonely and you are always surrounded by love. Praying for you and loving you.

Unknown said...

Having walked this path, I have been praying for the many things that you are and will experience in this journey. Journaling when you can is very helpful. It may be days or weeks between times when you feel like you are able to concentrate on it, but it will be useful to you if only to measure your progress along the way, in hindsight. You will definitely have times that God shows you how close He is, and times when it seems that Heaven is very far away. The silence can be deafening. This is all very fresh and new. Take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter, and know that many people are lifting you up to the Father.

Jennifer said...

Still praying for you. I can't imagine your pain. Three years ago I lost my only brother tragically. My son was only 9 months old. He'll never know his uncle and we talk about him often. I have those "trigger" kind of days too. Grief is a real monster to conquer. Truthfully, you do it little by little. Take one day at a time and NEVER feel guilty for wanting to talk about your husband. Those who love you and care for you will definitely understand. Praying daily for you and your family.

Alyssa said...

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I pray for you every day. Reading this, even though we've never met, all I want to do is hug you!

Karen Needham said...

Julee, praying for you, Preslee and your families daily.

Marie said...

Julee, praying you have a good day ,

Jill said...

God never allows pain without a purpose in the lives of His children. He never allows circumstances or anything to afflict us unless He uses that affliction for our good. God never wastes pain. He always causes it to work together for our ultimate good, the good of conforming us more to the likeness of His Son (see Romans 8:28-29). Prying for you, especially when in the height of pain or painful circumstances.

Kathryn said...

Julee ~

You and Preslee are still a constant on my mind. I know with time your pain will ease and you will have more good days than bad. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Tanya said...

Hi Julee, I've been following your blog for a little while now but I've never commented because we don't know each other and I didn't want to seem like a creep! I came across a short video I thought I should share with you. http://www.youtube.com/embed/0osq6PSrMek?showinfo=0&rel=0

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

Praying for you and sweet P and thinking about y'all like crazy. You and your faith are so beautiful. Sending you constant love and hugs.

Sandy said...

I am praying for you dear Julee.

Kim Smith said...

When I am working with children struggling with grief and their mixed up emotions, we read Tear Soup. It works for all ages and can help you manage. Prayers for you sweet girl.

FOUND FREE IN HIM. said...

When I was going through a season of loss in my life I wondered often why God allowed it. Recently the weight of that pain I experienced has been burdening my heart in an unbearable way. I was driving down the road and questioning why God was allowing me to feel the weight of that loss again, 5 years later. I realized that God was allowing me to feel that pain so that I could bear with you in yours, some hundreds of miles away. Whenever that trail comes to my mind, I pray for you. I plead with God to give you strength for the moment and to give you the strength to breath your next breath. I won't stop praying for you. Thank you for sharing your open and honest emotions. Sending love and prayers from Iowa. <3

Auntie Mip said...

Julee,

I prayed for you just this minute. I hope you felt it. I hope you feel it all Julee. The love and fellowship that abound in this place. I hope you feel surrounded in a virtual embrace of genuine caring. Mostly, I pray that in the saddest of moments you find reason to laugh. In the coldest of moments you feel the warmth of love. In the darkest and most restless of nights you find sleep. And beyond everything else I hope you know with sure and utter certainty that as you look to the future you see that grief, joy and hope walkside by side with you. Our God, in His infinite wisdom, designed a heart so elastic, so mailable as to stretch, grow and mold to hold them all!

Against all hope, in hope I believe....Romans 4:18

God bless you and Preslee, your family and Matt's

Chef Mommy said...

My sister in Christ, I am praying for you and Preslee whenever you both come to mind. Thank you for being so honest and so open.

Momofgirls said...

Praying. I can't imagine. xoxo

Lauren B said...

Just wanted to let you know, I'm still praying for you and Preslee..

Christin said...

I don't know you, but I found your blog through a friend's.

I just wanted to share a little bit about me in hopes that it may offer you even the slightest bit of comfort or hope or encouragement.

My dad died suddenly when I was 6-weeks-old; I was an only child, and my mom was just 24.

I don't know what it's like to be the parent in this situation (although I have the utmost respect and admiration for you and my mother and anyone else in a similar situation), but I do know what it's like to be in your daughter's shoes. I know how it feels to grow up not remembering your dad, and I know the feeling of wanting to build a relationship with someone who has passed. But now at 27, I feel like I know exactly who my dad is. I respect him and love him as if he were here today. I feel like I've created a relationship with him, regardless of the fact that he's not here in person. Two years ago, I got married on my parent's anniversary and in the same church as they did; I had chills the entire day. I even went to college where my dad went just so I could meet people who knew him and hear stores. I say all of this just to let you know from someone who has been through something very similar that Preslee will know her dad on a deep level. I promise. :)

And although I would give anything in the world to be with my dad for one day, I'm so thankful and blessed to have had a mom who raised me alone and picked up the pieces and kept us going. And I'm thankful for the incredibly close relationship I have with my mom because of our circumstances. The bond between you and Preslee will be a bond that no one else will understand, and it will be something you will cherish.

There will be flashes of light in the darkness.

From a total stranger, I'm praying for you and following your journey.

Michelle said...

I never knew or heard of you before this unspeakable tragedy. But now, you're never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers. I'm so glad you have such a large support system, but I know you're walking this path alone. I hope you find comfort knowing Matt is always with you. I pray you will, anyway. And Preslee, too. So sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for your strength, peace, and comfort.

~Michelle from Cincinnati, Ohio
micheller@cinci.rr.com

Angel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Twinkletoes said...

Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life. We are here to support you when we can.

Her Preppiness said...

Praying for you. Grief comes in different ways. Grieving is healthy

Karen At Home said...

Praying and thinking of you everyday!!

Kelly Watson said...

In the days after my Dad passed away, I found myself remembering so much that I had forgotten, so I started to write down those memories in a journal... I had forgotten them once, and I didn't want to forget them again. A few years later, I read them with a smile on my face and am at peace with losing him. I know that your situation is different and that every person's grief is different, but it helped me to keep his memory alive in my heart.

You and Preslee are in my prayers.

Da Mom said...

NATURAL PROGESTERONE CREAM--I battled PPD after my last two babies at 37 and 39 years of age. My 25 yr. old daughter has PCOS and uses the natural progesterone cream, too-it helps to keep her regular. We buy Progesta-Care with Calming Lavender. I did a lot of research into this for my daughter and I...we found Dr. John Lee's books very informative on this subject. The women on my side of the family produce a lot of estrogen in their pre & post menopause years and we drop in progesterone which leads to cysts in the breasts and fibroid tumors. I've been able to have less trouble in this area than my mother & aunts did.
Praying for you, sweetie. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Record the thoughts that come to mind of your dear husband for little Preslee to read for herself someday.