First of all, thank you to my blogging friends and community for the silent auction and the cards & comments you have written to me. I really have no other words than I appreciate them more than you will ever know!
I know at some point in the grieving process that I may be angry for what has happened but at this time, I just keep thinking of all the blessings that God has given me and I also keep seeing how God's plan has been in place and working towards this day for a long time without me realizing.
My number one blessing and the reason I get out of bed every day is Preslee. I stopped to think this week that maybe God had me go through infertility for the amount of time that I did because he knew that I needed this particular child and at this particular age to keep me going. I even wonder if he gave me a girl, even though he knew how badly Matt "thought" he wanted a boy. She obviously changed his heart the minute she was born but maybe he knew that I needed a lifelong friend. She is my buddy today and I know that she always will be and I am forever grateful for her!
I learned through my struggle with infertility that there are good days and bad days and that you need support any way you can get it. Right now prayers are getting me through this. During part of my infertility journey, I found comfort that others had walked down the same road as I was, had felt some of the same emotions and came out on the other side and survived. I have had some women already reach out to me that share this same tragedy and I know at some point down the road, they will give me much support and comfort knowing that I am not alone. During the middle of the fertility struggle, I would never have thought that I would be finding any good from the pain I went through but today I am praising the Lord for the lessons I learned from that time in my life.
My family has been extremely supportive of me. I have always been aware of how truly blessed I am by my having my mom and dad. I was fortunate to have parents that would do just about anything to make sure I was happy and taken care of and that has never stopped. I hope that I can give Preslee the same comfort in knowing that I am always on her side and will love and support her for the rest of my life.
Matt's family has always been graciously loving to me. I could not ask for a better family to call my own. They are have been wonderful to me for the 12 years that we have been together. Matt would even tell me that they loved me more than him which I don't think was possible but it did make me feel good knowing I was welcomed into such a great family!
I think that I might have the best friends that anyone could ever want, need or hope for. I have so much love and support from people I have become friends with throughout my life. They all have text, called, emailed and visited me this week and are willing to do absolutely anything I need from them. I hope that I can repay them some day by being as kind to them as they have been to me.
My hometown of Arkadelphia has just opened their arms around me and has shown me more love and support than I even know how to accept. I lived here for 23 years and have been gone almost 6 but I almost feel as though I never left. There is just something to be said about small towns and I would not be anywhere else but here right now!
I ache with my entire being to just talk to Matt and feel his warm body. I don't know how I am even living right now without him. We were extremely close and talked all throughout the day. I miss our daily life together. I miss texting him about things Preslee is doing, I miss making sure I had dinner ready when he got home, I miss saving shows on the dvr so we could watch them late at night. I miss buying all his many snacks at the grocery store, I miss seeing Romeo and Preslee get excited to see him when he walked through the back door, I just miss him! I can't get over the fact that I will never see or talk to him again.
BUT...I am extremely thankful that I know that Matt is in Heaven and he is healed. Not many people really knew how bad he was feeling. He had many days that were just by a miracle that he was able to get out of bed and go to work. It was a daily struggle for him to try to live a normal life but the physical pain was always there. He was a great actor when he needed to be. He didn't want to burden everyone else with his illness and apologized to me frequently that I was "stuck" with a sickly husband. I would tell him to stop saying things like that and that I loved him no matter what and I truly meant that! Don't get me wrong, life was not easy taking care of someone who didn't feel good and then got harder once I had Preslee to take care of too, but I am thankful for the life we had together. I will always be sad there wasn't more of it.
In the note he left me on his phone, he asked me to "Please remember me for the good times and not the years when I became frail, sick, weak and moody. Please remember me as a man who would do anything for his family and who cared about them more than anything else."
So I am going to try to honor his wish and I am going to praise Jesus for the good times we had together and I am going to share all of our good memories with Preslee so that she knows how wonderful of a man her daddy was!
Thank you again for all your prayers. I feel them all day and I truly believe they are the reason I can put one foot in front of the other and make it another day without my sweet Matt!
Mardi Gras & Friends
2 weeks ago